Grinchy Christmas
As I told a local inquirer today, "I'm okay-minus." I told another, "I'm not. But I will be."
My quilting mojo has gone into some odd hibernation and doesn't show signs of emerging. I look at my UFOs and my WISPs and nothing grabs me. I put in some time working dutifully on the quilt I started at the November retreat, but there's no real joy in it.
I'm taking more naps, am up during the night for an hour at a time, and have felt reluctance to go out (but for the most part, I go anyway). Things at home aren't getting done. I'm thinking I may have a mild case of depression, not something I've never really known before.
My congregation has experienced an unusual amount of deaths recently, and two of them were men who leave enormous holes in the life of the church. I sat at my Circle meeting week before last and found myself counting the number of us who are widows (too many) and remembering that two of our members are tending to nonagenarian husbands who are unwell. I've had an amalgamation of survivor's guilt and the terror of "when is it going to hit me."
It's felt like a strange combination of May, from The Secret Life of Bees, who was just feeling the sadness of the world big time, and the Grinch, working overtime to suck the joy out of life.
Perhaps the worst of all is a vile diagnosis for the husband of a dear, dear friend. After a few weeks of being postponed and put on hold by the local medical establishment who just somehow couldn't find the time to see the man, to perform the needed MRI, he's now a patient at the cancer center down the road. And my friend, who prolly is wanting to Christmas shop for her grandson, write her cards and wrap her gifts is instead taking her man for intense chemo sessions and learning how to perform nephrostomy care. I'm aching for her. And for him.
Oh, you're a mean one, Mister Grinch!
My not-okayness will pass; it will have to. And if it doesn't by the time 2024 gets here, I'll take another friend's advice and consult my doctor. I'm thinking about an upcoming visit to grandchildren in Virginia. I'm thinking about my baking plans for next week. I'm looking forward to the Lucia observance in church this coming Sunday and the many services of the following Sunday. I'm pondering the upcoming Solstice and the return of the light and trying to think of ways to be a part of that light.
And I'm reminding myself that the Grinch story itself does have a happy ending!
Comments
This year I've found that the music of Mannheim Steamroller's "A Fresh Aire Christmas" lifts my spirits as it plays softly as I go through my days. Mine is an old CD but it's bound to be on You Tube.
Hugs!
and remember what peace
there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly
and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself
with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater
and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well
as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery
But let this not blind you to what
virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity
and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life
keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery,
and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
Max Ehrmann
(Book: Desiderata
Lynne
Many of us are at the stage of life where our concern for friends' health issues is mixed with thoughts of "our turn is coming", and these things always seem so much worse at Christmas.
Sewing is mostly such a joy and a comfort. If it isn't for you right now, then set it aside and don't beat yourself up over it. When things are quieter, and you feel you might want to switch your machine on again, consider making a simple baby quilt so that it isn't stressful.
Be kind to yourself and focus on what brings you joy. Your list of things to look forward to is a great start.
Ceci