Feelings
. . . Can people make you feel a particular way? I know there are times we all try to make someone else have a specific (usually unpleasant) feeling, but does it take?
. . . A difficult CPE* supervisor once said something demeaning to me. Using my best learned communication skills, I told her, "When you said . . . I felt put down." Her response astonished me: "Well, why on earth would you choose to feel that way?" This comment flew in the face of everything I'd ever learned about healthy communication. I had always understood that feelings are part of our primitive selves, instinctive, spontaneous, not deliberated and selected.
. . . I came to believe, after considerable reflection, that there are feelings that might be described as authentic in that they are the first ones that crop up at a particular time; they are an instinctive response to a stimulus. Yet they can be examined by the self and modified by what the examination shows.
. . .We don't have to automatically accept the [usually destructive] feelings that someone else wants us to have.
. . . Sometimes people know how something that they did made us feel, but not always. Sometimes we have to tell them.
*Clinical Pastoral Education
Comments
But I know when my Dad passed in 2016, every single one of his 20 grandchildren wanted to be there--because of "how grandpa made me feel". His first concern was always the other person--never himself. Whether the grandchild ascribed to his Christian beliefs, or not, he was interested in their lives, concerned about their well being, and complimentary about their accomplishments. You can't help but "feel good" around someone like that.
On the other side of the coin, I do believe we can choose to alter our "authentic" feeling, with effort. Choosing not to be offended is a big one. Choosing to love someone whom others may consider unlovable can be a truly challenging decision.
I'll get off my soapbox now, but I did enjoy your musings.
I do believe that some people have a way of making you feel special by the things they say. I also believe that some people have a way of putting you down by the things they say. My husband tells me that I read too much into what people say to me...I suppose he might be right, and I also know he's looking out for me when he tells me this.
I've had a former student come up to me and say that I made them feel so good when I said "this or that" to them. I'm also sure that I have said some not-so-nice things, too...hopefully those things are fewer than the nice things.
When using the "I" approach to tell someone how they impacted you, this is how I feel about it. If I said to you that "I felt this way when you said ..... to me" and I get a response like you did from your difficult CPE instructor, I realize that they don't care about my feelings. A simple "Oh goodness, I never meant to hurt you that way," is so easy and a much kinder answer. Like Janet O said, some people don't care.
To end my "soapbox", I tend to dwell on the negative often times. It's one of my personality traits that I don't like, but I try to stop doing it when I find myself engaging that "frame of mind". One of my places/activities to negative self talk is when I'm sewing. I love sewing, but negative things pop into my mind for some reason. I try to remember to turn on music while in my sewing haven...music does seem to sooth my savage breast.
Have a wonderful day, Nancy. I love reading your blog and your FB posts. You brighten my day. (((hugs)))
I think the quote is about treating people with kindness so that they feel good around you.
xx, Carol