More Resumes with Fascinating Qualifications

After this morning's horrible news about the two U.S. servicemen, I was actually glad to deal with the stack of incoming resumes in response to my ad for a lower school secretary. Surely they have brightened my day, to wit:

Among the current resumes is one who has been "responsible for the enlightenment of new members." Methinks she’s a proselytizer for a little-known sect.
And how can we not consider Ted, the retired Army Captain, specializing in military intelligence? Picture him dealing with alleged gum chewers from the second grade.
Or Arnetha with her impeccable interpersonal skills who worked at traffic court and "acted as liaison between violator and Judge" -- does this mean she comes wearing a bulletproof vest?
We dare not overlook Barbara who finds it important for us to know she has a 12-year-old son and four cats.
Kevin is familiar with medical gas safety policies and served as an anesthesia technician -- maybe he and the bartender from yesterday could do a job share?
I can't resist Arlisa who worked at a hospice and was responsible for the input of time-sheets into the "Beyond Now" system!
Hurong L. (peanut 9204@. . .) previously was in the Navy, stationed at Gitmo and then went into floral design.
Susahamma is fluent in the Malayalam (WHAT?) language and has a civilian driver's license.
Marielovestommy@. . . wants to work here, but I'm afraid her relationship would get in the way . . . .
And, finally, Sister2Sister@. . . is a graduate of Rosemont College; she appears qualified but what if she has a Vocation that lures her away from here and back to the convent?