Even Once

At the school where I work, each of us received a form to fill out sometime in the next month.  It is an "Arrest/Conviction Report and Certification Form," which is required for the protection of our students.  Apparently the completion of the form is mandated by the State.  We are required to list any reportable offenses for which we have ever been arrested; these include a couple of dozen offenses that have to do with indecency, exploitation, sexual contact, and drug trafficking with minors.

The exercise made me think of the years when I was a blood donor (and the reason for stopping, she hastened to add, is because her low blood pressure caused a tendency to faint after donating), when there would be a list of colorful behaviors and the question of "have you EVEN ONCE" done any of these things.  (The EVEN ONCE in all caps always reminded me of the clothing pattern instructions that would shout RIGHT SIDES TOGETHER, but that is a whole nuther thing entirely.)  I'd look down the list and rather wistfully check "no" beside each box.  This always made me feel like a really dull person.

Just so you know, I had nothing to report on today's form in any of the questionable areas including stalking, prostitution and related offenses, and all of the others.  I'm not sure what "institutional sexual assault" could be, but I'm pretty sure I haven't done it and certainly haven't been arrested for it.

In the interest of full disclosure, however, I did EVEN ONCE receive a traffic ticket for going 30 in a 15 mph zone.  This was in 1980, in Cuyahoga Falls, and is prolly still a blemish on My Permanent Record.