Covid-19 Joy (2) Time
From the time I was very young, it was my understanding that my paternal grandfather had died very suddenly from a heart attack when he was forty-nine. This was before I was born. When I was fifteen, my father died very suddenly from a heart attack. He was forty-nine. Fifteen's a tough age, and I was a particularly young fifteen. It came into my mind then that I, too, would die of a heart attack at forty-nine. This belief, one I didn't speak of, stayed in my mind until my fiftieth birthday.
All of those years, this strong belief -- this irrational, unshakable notion -- that I would not have enough time has had an impact on aspects of who I have been.
For these many years, I have been in a hurry, getting things done as quickly as I can, multitasking, rushing on to the next thing. Because I thought I wouldn't have enough time.
For these many years, I've been a procrastinator, postponing until "later" the putting away of things where they belong, delaying less pleasant tasks because something more appealing demanded priority. There's been a need -- or a choice? -- for immediate gratification, since delayed gratification just might not be in the cards for me. Because I thought I wouldn't have enough time.
These weeks of being at home, of slowing down, of having enough time to think about having enough time, have been a peculiar gift to me, an unexpected and rare joy.
It has been serendipitous to develop a slow-paced morning routine where I sip hot coffee and play my Scrabble games, read and write blogs, take in the news (such as it is). I've taken pleasure in purging the closets, the cabinets, the shelves, packing up those things we haven't used in years and will not use again. I've taken my time (oh, just a moment to ponder that particular phrase!) doing things right, and thoroughly. I've opted for smaller portions of the ice cream Joe makes because I've come to believe I'll live to have another serving at a later time. I've reveled in the slow sewing I've chosen to do. I've pretty much been doing one thing at a time, and doing that thing well and with care.
I've felt an ongoing sense of peace and calm that I never have experienced before and it has been good. When so many others have found this Covid time to be a source of panic, of worry, of stress, for me it has been peculiarly filled with meaning.